Thursday, December 12, 2013

Finish the Sentence... Christmas Edition!


I haven't linked up in a while, so I thought, "what the heck"!

1. My favorite Christmas was....I love them all because I am always surrounded by family, food and wine.  That right there is a trifecta of Christmas love!  But one that stands out is the time we all hung out in my little sister's basement, drinking WAY too much.  The videos of that night remain in the "vault" ;-)
2. The worst Christmas I had...I can't really think of one that was the "worst".  If I have to pick one, it would be last year, only because it was the first Christmas EVER, that I was not with my parents.  The day was still a wonderful one with my older sis and the rest of the family, but something was definitely missing....
3. That one gift that made me scratch my head and say, "Hmmmm" was...every damn year, when I was growing up, my Grandma Mayme gave me granny panties.  You know the ones, they are HUGE and only an 80 year old woman would wear.  Oh and after I opened them, she would ask me if I had started my period yet.  God love her!!
4. One year I....I woke up super early and ran out to the tree to see what Santa left me.  Only to find a Charlie McCarthy dummy (for my sister) under there, that freaked me the hell out!!  I ran back to my room and didn't move a muscle until I was told to.  I seriously thought we had some little man under the tree that was real.  I still get freaked out thinking about him just staring at me....
5. I think the worst gift to give is....a bad attitude.  I cannot stand Scrooge like attitudes.  Life is too short for that crap.  Tell people Merry Christmas with a smile on your face and get that cob out of your ass!
6. At Christmastime I typically....spend WAY too much money.  I start with a budget and then....the emails come re: sales and that budget goes out the window.  I can't help it, I love to give presents!
7. Typically, family amazing!  We wake up, open presents and then eat the most amazing cinnamon rolls known to man, that my mama makes.  Then we all head home to "clean up" and go back for lunch and lots of wine.  Lots and lots of laughing takes place and usually a game or two of Scene It and Rock Band.
8. If I could change one thing about the Holiday season....I would make it only about being with the ones you love.  Even though I love to give gifts, it has gotten out of control.  I would much rather forgo the gifts and watch the waves crash in on some beach.  Or...have breakfast with Mickey, at Disney World!
9. It is so hard to buy kids.  They NEED NOTHING!!  And we have no room for more items that they don't need.  This year we went with a bigger ticket item and a few small things.  I can't handle having it look like Toys R Us puked in my living room, for another year. And don't get me started on what my basement looks like.  More Toys R Us puke!
10. My favorite Christmas tradition is...Having breakfast with my whole family in our pj's listening to Christmas music and eating mom's cinnamon rolls. 
11. Santa, baby, bring me a ....breast lift!  Yep, you read that right! Those girls are living in the south and I am stuck here in the north. It's time they reconnect! :o)

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Giving up is NOT an option

Today I posted a pic on Instagram that was from my first (remember there are 3) wedding.  When I came across this pic, it brought back so many emotions.  I cannot believe how far I have come in 23 years.  I married one of the most evil men, I have ever come across.  My dad describes him best, "honey he cannot even be called an asshole, because an asshole has a function. Yep, he was THAT awful. He was not only verbally abusive, he was physically abusive as well.  I even have a lovely scar on my arm to remind me of that time.  I remember sitting at the end of the couch and he kicked me as hard as he could, with his boot.  I should have had stitches, but I hid it from my family.  I remember the night before the wedding, my sister begged me not to go through with it.  She knew I was making the worst mistake of my life.  In fact, marrying him, put such a strain on my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for over 2 years.  I let this man, take away every ounce of pride I had.  Thankfully, I got it all back and then some.  We were married about 6 months and living with my parents, when he just took off.  Then one day, the doorbell rings and I am being served with divorce papers.  My mom called my sister and she ran over, crying and hugged me.  Partly because she saw me hurting so badly, but also because she had her sister back.  From that moment on, I never looked back.  I might have wavered a bit and wished he would come back to me.  BUT....after lots of long talks with the man above, I got the strength to move on.  I started back at college, lost weight, got healthy inside and out.  I was also lucky enough to get reacquainted with everyone I cut out of my life.  Not because I wanted to, but pretty much because I had to.  This monster didn't WANT me, but he sure as shit didn't want anyone else to have me. know the evil that was taking place behind closed doors.  I will never forget being in Florida with my family and confessing to my mom, that one time, my ex took me out to the country and left me.  Yep, he kicked me out of the car.  He let me wonder around for almost 2 hours, before he came back to get me.  She was so sad.  Not only because I went through that, but also because I was so ashamed to tell her or anyone, back then.

I look back and wonder why I allowed myself to be treated like this.  Part of me thinks it stems from being made fun of so much, I just figured this was the best I could get.  BUT....NO ONE, deserves that.  WE ALL DESERVE love and respect.  We all deserve to be surrounded by people that will lift us up, not tear us down. 

I am so thankful that I was able to pick myself up off the ground and get to where I am today.  I am a better person for it.  I am a fighter.  Giving up on your dreams should not be an option.  Had I given up on my dream of one day being fit and healthy, where would I be?????  AND...I never let the doubters, get too far inside me head.  I won't lie, they were there and they tempted me to just give up.  But I won in the end.  I had my family and my faith, to get me through it all. 

So when you are having a bad day or week or even a bad year, remember, hard work and determination will pay off.  It won't happen over night and it might take 20 years, but it will be so worth it.  I can honestly say I love me.  I love my life.  It's truly a simple life.  We don't have a lot of money, or drive fancy cars, but we are  happy.  We made our small house, a home.  We do the best with what we have.  And we try so very hard to enjoy each day to the fullest.  And that might be spending the entire weekend in our jammies.  :)

My grandma always said this one thing that has been so true, my whole life.  "Lori Ann, it's always darkest before the dawn".  Now that sweet angel is watching over me and making sure, I never forget it.  So remember, just when you think it can't get any worse, it might, but....IT WILL GET BETTER, BETTER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!

Monday, December 9, 2013

December challenge, to myself!

As we all know, this is the time of year that pants tend to get a bit tight!  You know from all that yummy holiday food.  SO....I have decided that I would like to lose some lbs, while the rest of the world is!  I am back at logging ALL of my calories, on MFP.  I am also back to doing Ripped in 30, combined with JM kickboxing.  Here is my schedule for that.

Day 1, Ripped in 30 (week one).
Day 2, JM Kickboxing (workout one)
Day 3, Ripped in 30 (week one)
Day 4, JM Kickboxing (workout 2)
Day 5, Ripped in 30 (week one)
Day 6, JM Kickboxing (workout 3)
Day 7, REST DAY!

 I will be doing this, until the 29th.  On the 30th, I plan to start P90X3, with my hubby.  I cannot tell you how excited I am about starting this.  Yes, I did say excited.  I love the p90x workouts.  Well I love the exercises, just not how time consuming they were.  Committing to an hour a day, for this working mommy, who likes sleep, was just too much.  SO....when I heard that X3 workouts are only 30 minutes, I was thrilled!!  I immediately called Ray and asked if he would do it with me.  I am so glad he said yes.  He has been struggling with his weight and so desperately wants to get back to eating healthy and working out.  I figure we can keep each other accountable and motivated at the same time!  Plus we have a beach wedding to attend in February, that we both want to look good for.  I figure we will have a good six weeks, of X3, to get us in better shape.  We did p90x together and stuck with it, till the end.  I saw major changes in Ray!  I was so proud of him!!  And that was one hour workouts, 6 days a week.  We also have a dvd player in our master now, which is big enough to workout in, so that too, will help us stick to it!  I will take a before and after and share our results.  I don't think I will weigh myself.  I will go by my progress pics and how my clothes fit.  No way am I going to be a slave to that evil thing, we call the scale.  I refer call it SATAN!

I am glad I have IG and a blog to share this with.  It will keep me in check!  I also have my lovely friend Terri to keep me in line, with my calorie logging, on MFP!  I am telling you, it helps to go through this with others.  We can support and motivate!! 

Here are a few pics from our weekend!  I love this time of year when it is cold and you get to stay home and snuggle with the ones you love!  My mom and dad get here in a few hours too!  I AM SO EXCITED!!!  I even have wine waiting for my dad and chocolate for my mama! :)

Nothing like cinnamon rolls that mommy made and a Christmas movie. :)

Finally got all the lights on the outside.  I love how my house feels so cozy now.

Me holding up Liv as she skates with the hockey players.  Drew is about to fall, in the background.  They are definitely my

They had SUCH a great time and their friend's b-day party.  They can't wait to go back and skate again.

So we bought Ray a new flannel and some pj pants.  He proceeds to wear them together.  Umm....yep, he does not have the fashion sense the rest of us have!  Oh and Drew is in size 6 jammies, just a tad snug and short!  But they were happy, that is all that matters.

Happy Monday!!


Friday, December 6, 2013

You're gonna miss this...

This time of year, I get pretty sappy.  Maybe it's because I am approaching the nursing home years....I KID!  Or...maybe I am just sentimental.  Last year was the first Christmas EVER, in my life, that I did not spend it, at my parents house.  See they moved away to the sunshine state and left me!  AS IF!  I won't lie, it broke my heart.  All those years of sweet traditions were gone.  It was time to move ahead and make new ones.  Even when I lived in NYC, I ALWAYS came home.  No matter what, I opened my Santa presents at my parents house.  This year, they will be here, for Christmas.  And...I feel SO blessed.  I am so lucky to have parents that have bee married for 44 years.  Parents that raised me to be humble.  To be thankful for everything, good and bad.  They taught me that in life, you must go through some bad stuff, to get to the really good stuff.  Boy were they right.  Too many times in life, we get down on the world.  We get sad, pissed off, hateful, ungrateful and so on....  What I have learned over the years is this, STOP WITH THE NEGATIVE!  I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this very negativity on FB, just this week alone.  People making fun of others, taking stuff to heart, when it was meant to tease, calling out others on crap, that is none of their business.   Life is too short, to waste even an ounce of energy on the negative.  Just last night I had a VERY long talk with my kiddos about this very thing.  We talked about how SO many children are without parents, without siblings, without a stable roof over their head or food.  I think we forget all of the luxuries we have right in front of us.  We need to stop reading into things so much as well.  If you see something that ticks you off, that someone has said, let it go.  Save that energy for focusing on the good.  I want to raise kids that see the good in EVERY situation.  That is how I was raised.  Don't get me wrong, I STILL bitched and moaned and felt sorry for myself on MANY occasions.  BUT....I allowed myself to be open to the good I knew would eventually come.  Three people that I follow on IG, lost a loved one this week.  One was very young.  It puts so much in perspective for me.  I MUST enjoy life and all that it has to offer.  I need to smile more, laugh more and tell people I love them, even more. 

On my back to work, I heard "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins on the radio.  AND...I don't even listen to country music.  I just happened to stop at that channel.  This song hit home.  This morning, Liv was mouthy and wouldn't get dressed, so of course I got frustrated.  But you know what, someday soon, I will wish I had that time back.  Over Thanksgiving we watched videos of when the kids were little.  Talk about being emotional.  I cried like a baby.  I am sure at the time the videos were taken, I was sleep deprived and a big ole bitch.  BUT...I would give anything to go back and hug my sweet little babies, at that age.

We all need to quit wishing time away and live in the moment.  I am so guilty of this.  So when the kids won't clean their rooms and the hubby won't turn the channel to Bravo, it's OK, just breath and live in that very moment. 

Because remember....

"It's hard to believe
But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' want this back
You're gonna' wish these days
Hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' miss this
Yeaahhhh... you're gonna' miss this"


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Be thankful...

Today I received an email from my mama, that summed up how I feel today....beyond blessed.  Two years ago, I doubt I would have said that.  But as you get older, you get wiser and that cup starts to runneth over.  We all lose sight, that it could ALWAYS be worse.  Enjoy what you have, to the fullest. Stop wishing you had more money, that your pants were looser and that your gray hairs weren't there.  Because what is most important is that YOU ARE HERE!!!  Life is a gift.  I see that now.  I truly do.  I wouldn't change a single thing about my life.  I mean that!!  I would go through all the good, the bad and the ugly, if that means it gets me to where I am today....madly in love with the best husband in the world, at peace with who I am, mommy to the most amazing babies, daughter to the most supportive and loving parents, sister to two AMAZING women, that I look up to and a friend, to so many amazing people.  Some of which I met through this blog.  So as we approach the holidays, remember, it's not about the ads or the best deals, out there.  It truly should be all about enjoying all the we have...with our loved ones. 

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."



"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."



"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."



"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."



"If your parents are still alive and still married.... you are very rare."



"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair......."

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Today is a post about one of my favorite "get out of jail free" what!  Yep, this "see that glass half full girl" uses this way too often! :)

So what if I cuss like a sailor on the daily!  I try and do most of it at work, so I don't "slip up" at home.  I just love how you can say the word  f*ck with such passion, that it gets the point across, clear as day!  I work for attorney's that handle family law, so this word is a MUST!

So what if my potty mouth drives Ray crazy.  Hello,  you knew this when you married me, mister!

So what if I have an obsession with pretzel m&m's...hey it's better than having an obsession with crack, right?!?!?!

So what if I use this phrase all the time and it makes no sense AT ALL...."how's come".  Yep, I have said it forever and now Liv says it too! I tell you what, I grew up with some interesting sayings.  BUT...remember ya'll, I am from Beecher City, IL.  I am total hick, to the core!

So what if my family said "red up" in reference to cleaning up the dinner dishes, growing up.  My hubby and my sister's hubbies, are so confused with this saying.  It dates back to some old Western my grandparents watched.  So....they said it, my parents said it, and now me and my sister's say it.  Yes, I know, it makes NO sense!

So what if I call Jillian Michaels the "b" word during and after, every workout.  Come on, she deserves it, she is MEAN!  BUT....oh so effective!!

So what if I secretly want to shave Ray's beard in his sleep and have even asked the kids to do so.  I am NOT a beard girl.  Ray needs to remember that our family is NOT a part of the Duck Dynasty family....duh!  Shave that sh*t!

So what if I am already SUPER excited about a trip to STL with my girl Nicki, that doesn't even have an official trip date yet!  I look forward to fun and lots of it!  Keeps me happy!

So what if I have zero desire to start Christmas shopping.  UGH....I just can't get into yet.  I guess maybe I am waiting on the elves to arrive, to take care of it for me????  So if you see them, tell them my patience is running out!!

So what if I CANNOT wait for the kids to be on Christmas break so I get a break from making lunches every morning.  Hey, that alone will give me 10 extra minutes of sleep.  Priorities people!!!

So what if I sent my sweet friend Jenni an ecard that said this: "You're the kind of friend who's house I could poop at".  Yep, I sure did send that to her!  She is just THAT kind of friend.  I love her!

So what if I got like SUPER excited that I just might get to have lunch with THREE amazing women in December.  Pretty sure it will be a piss your pants kind of know with lots of giggles! :)

So what if I am ADDICTED to the show "The Governor's Wife" and wish so much I could meet the Governor and Trina.  I mean I LOVE them.  I cried like a big fat baby, during a few episodes.  Wishing so much I could make Edwin live forever....

So what if Ray thinks I am a nut bag because I want to put the Christmas decorations up NOW!!  He just needs to get over that, right now!  I mean I did put Halloween decorations up the second week of September.  So why does this shock him???

So what if I CANNOT wait to go to Florida in February.  Like I said, I need things to look forward to.  Wine with my sis and dad by the pool....who wouldn't look forward to that!

So what if I am jealous that my parents are taking the kids to Disney in February to stay at my FAVORITE hotel, Wilderness Lodge and I don't get to go. At this point in the game, throwing a 2 year old temper tantrum, won't get my anywhere.  DARNIT!

So what if I was doing "suicides" last night, in my room, and Liv told me I was shaking the whole house.  The house is old, damnit! :)

So what if I haven't blogged since the birth of Jesus....sometimes we all need to step back for a bit.

In closing so what if I am not everyone's cup of tea.  There comes a point in your life when you have to stop trying to impress everyone.  Not everyone will like me.  It took me many years and many sad faces to realize this.  It sucks when someone doesn't like you, but it's shall go on!


Thursday, October 31, 2013


Why yes, I am still alive!  I know I haven't posted much, lately.  Today I thought I would do a list of some truths, about me. 

1.  I have cellulite, stretch marks and lots of loose skin.  But Lori, we don't see it in your pics.  So I will tell you just where it is.  It is in my thighs, boobs and right below my bikini line.  This is why you don't see it.  No way in HELL, will I EVER where short shorts, my progress pics are taken in workout pants and a sports bra and I am not dipping down that low, to show you some loose skin above my cha-cha!  BUT....I still want to always be real and let you know, it is there!

2.  I do not suck my gut in when I take progress pics.  WHY???  Because I would be lying to myself.  I NEED to see what I REALLY look like.  This stems from my issues with body dysmorphia.  I don't want to "make" myself look "thinner" than I am. 

3.  I have wrinkles.  If you don't see them in my pics, don't worry, they are there.  I don't try to hide them, but the ole iPhone does. Oh and I have frown lines and smile lines too.  So this is why I try and smile BIG, it is way more flattering than a frown!

4.  I cannot and will not follow someone that is obviously struggling with an eating disorder or body image disorder.  I was that girl and I cannot go back.   Seeing some girls that are barely 20, posting about how they have 8% body fat, makes me sad AND mad. why little girls start to hate their bodies at such a young age.  That is NOT attainable, unless you take drastic measures.  I am 41, I have hips and thighs, that will ALWAYS be there.  I don't want to be all muscle.  I want to eat and be happy.  I cannot let what I look like consume my life.  NO THANKS!

5.  I do not eat clean 100% of the time.  Nor will I ever.  For some, it's doable, not this wine loving, beer drinking, pizza eating girl.  NO THANKS!  Life is too short.  If I want it, I will eat it.  There was a point in my life where I was OBSESSED with every freaking thing that went in my mouth and I was one miserable bitch.  I was out of control.  I am so passed that and have never been happier.

6.  I am not a workout junkie.  If it takes more than 20-35 minutes, I don't do it.  It doesn't fit my lifestyle.  I would much rather snuggle with my babies and have some flab, than be ultra fit and spend hours trying to maintain it.  But this is MY choice.  I choose to workout at home, in my bedroom while my kids are there with me, on the computer, playing math games.  It works for us. 

7.  I have never worn spanx...and here is why. I don't want to pretend I am all flat and toned.  I would be lying to ME.  This is also from my issues way back when I was bulimic and obsessed with image.  If I have a food baby, at a wedding reception, in my tight dress, so be it.  I have to keep it real, for ME.  I don't want to look in the mirror and go, "damn I am looking thin today" only to wake up the next day and go, " happened, I did not look this big last night.  See I am weird AND have issues.  BUT....I am a work in progress.  And honest, maybe too!

8.  I worry too much about what people think about my pics on IG, and it has gotten at times, unhealthy.  I worry that people are saying, "she has edited the hell out of that pic, "wow she looks way bigger today", "she is totally angling that camera to make her look thinner than she is".  Yep, all those thoughts have gone through my head and they shouldn't.  I shouldn't care what others think. BUT....I am human.  It shows me that I still have some work to do, on my self image.

9.  My weight loss does not define me.  It IS.... a special part of me, and has played a MAJOR role in my life.  But..... if I died tomorrow, the one thing I would want people to know about me is that I have a good heart. what defines me.  A heart that loves hard, and fights for what is right.  A heart that is so full of love for her babies, her husband, family and friends.  A heart that only wants to see good things happen to people.  A heart that wishes she could help those in need.  A heart that is simple, but real.  It's hard to get that across in a photo of me in a bikini, I get that.  It's hard not to judge when you see superficial things.  I am guilty of it too.

10. Lastly, I worry that my kids will someday struggle with their weight or body image and it scares the living daylights out of me.  I don't want them to ever feel what I, and so many others, have felt.  It's a pain that is so deep and one that is hard to ever truly get over.  At the same time, I pray every day that they will always stick up for the kids being bullied and all the "underdogs".  Even if it means, they will get crap from others, for it.  Too many kids today, don't have anyone to turn to, I want my kids to be that ONE kid, they can turn to, for acceptance.

So there you have it, a little more about me....


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

That one pic that makes you go....OMG

So this weekend, Liv lost her darn iPod touch, so I spent an hour and a half, searching high and low, for it.  As the search went on, I found this pic.

This pic was an eye opener.  I am going to be real honest with you, I had NO idea, I was that big.  This pic was taken on my 19th birthday.  I was in a very abusive marriage and this is proof, that I used food to comfort myself.  Food didn't tell me I was f*cking fat and ugly or "embarrassing" to be around. did make me unhealthy.  I won't say being overweight made me unhappy and miserable, it didn't.  Even though I was in an abusive relationship, I still got plenty of love from my family.  I was still a funny, loving and loyal person. 
At this point in my life, I really didn't have any friends left, I isolated myself from them.  I was so ashamed of the life I was living.  And by that I mean, the marriage I was in, not my weight.  Plus, I had run into a few "friends" from high school at college and they said some pretty harsh things, thinking I couldn't hear them.  Well I did, and it just made me eat more.  Today when I am down, I workout.  So funny how that has changed.  Exercise makes me feel better, physically AND mentally.  I have said this before, but it is the best anti-depressant out there!!'s FREE!!!  Another thing I notice, when I look at this pic, is how far my thighs have come.  From this point on, I am no longer going to bitch about my saggy skinned thighs, that have cellulite!  NOPE, they are OK, just the way they are.  That saggy skin came from a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  Same with my stretch marks, I am embracing them.  Self bullying is an awful thing.  What we don't realize is that it keeps us, from achieving our goals.  When you tell yourself over and over, how much you hate this or hate that, about yourself, you start to think you can't "improve" them. can!  You just have to think positive and focus only on the "likes".  When you do this, you start to see some pretty amazing things.  Like I see pretty blue eyes, some pretty nice shoulders, my height and my thin hands.  When I look at my thighs, I may not see all the definition I have, but I FEEL it.  I feel my hard work, paying off.  So remember, just because you can't "see" it, it is happening.  Like when you get on the scale and it doesn't move for months, but you are down a clothes size or two, this is what you need to focus on. 

This next picture, is very blurry and I am sorry for that. is a defining picture for me.  In this pic, I don't fit on the chair.  But 22 years later, I do.  See I have this kitchen table and chairs in my house. And the reason I can, is because I NEVER gave up on myself.  I did doubt myself, too many times to count, but I never gave up.  I have made  it work.  I pack my breakfast and lunch every day, along with healthy snacks and I workout 5-6 days a week.   I don't drink shakes, take supplements or pop "magic" pills.  I also don't spend hours, working out.  I spend a max of 35 minutes working out.  AND...I do my workouts in my bedroom on a tiny TV from the 90's!  And let's not forget I do this after working a full day, with 2 kids at home.  So quit making excuses.  If I can workout with my kids, yelling at each other, running right in front of me, so can you.  My kids are 6 3/4 and 8, they are BEYOND ACTIVE, but I still make it work. 

There have been days when I thought I should stop my blog and IG.  I think sometimes, when followers, "unfollow" me, that I am just annoying.  For that I am sorry.  But then I see a pic like this, a pic that is PROOF, that significant weight loss is possible and it's possible without a fad diet or gym membership.  It is also possible to do it at any age.    I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  I know I was heavy, for a reason.  I know I found this pic, for a reason.  I think it will give someone that is struggling, hope and motivation.  They will see me at 250++ and then me at 155, and go OK, "If she can do it, I can do it".  I also hope people see my after pics and go, "OK, you don't have to weigh 120 pounds to be fit". 
Remember, focus on what you like, it will one day be something you love, about yourself.  Stop self-bullying, it is just sabotaging your success. It's like the little engine that could, keep telling yourself, "I think I can, I think I can"....and you will.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Laughter truly is the best medicine

As many of you know, yesterday was a big day for me.  A BIG OLE SCARY DAY!  I won't lie, going into this, I let my mind go to some pretty awful places.  I am going to be 100% real with you and share them.

1.  The moment the doctor felt the lumps, I immediately thought, "I can't leave my babies, I just can't, they NEED me".

2.  OK so is the real reason I have a blog and IG because I am going to have breast cancer and share the process with everyone.

3.  By sharing this, will I actually save someones life?  Being this open, just might encourage someone to go get a mammogram.  I know it took my mom and friend, Tiffany, to get me to go for mine.  I cancelled my first apt. because I had strep.  BUT thankfully, my doctor's nurse called me personally and told me I HAD to do it.

4.  After my apt. last Friday, I get home and watch Basketball Wives and it is the episode where Tammy and Evelyn meet with a woman that saw them get mammograms, so she got one.  THIS....saved her life!  So was this yet another sign???

5.  My apt. was the second day of October, which is breast cancer awareness month.  Ummm.....sign???

So as you can see, I am a worrier.  I play little games with myself and get all worked up.  UGH...wish it wasn't true, but that's just me.

Yesterday I went into the apt. with a good attitude.  Well as good as I could, for me.  I went in thinking that NO MATTER what the outcome, I will get through it.  First stop was the mammogram. Let me tell you, a diagnostic mammogram is NOT like your regular mammogram.  Oh dear Lord, I had know idea my boobies could move like that.  It was put your arm here, kinda stick your behind out here, so we can get you closer.  OK now don't breath and don't move.  AND....let's do that 42674 times!  OK next stop, I get to go sit in a waiting room, in my skirt, no bra or top, just the lovely gown that opens in the front, with 6 other women!  So me being the funny girl I say, "oh yay we all get to sit together with our boobies out".  Crickets....  Come on ladies, let's make this fun.  Not happenin!  So we all sat there in silence and watched HGTV.  I decided to text my sis and Ray.  We had some fun, at least! :)  As I sat and got comfy, they came back to get me for some more boobie maneuvering. DANGIT, I thought I was clear!!  This scared me some.  The tech told me she needed to get films of some "vessels"????  Oh well, all these pics can't hurt, they will only help.  After that it was back to the boob waiting room.  An hour later, I head to sono.  I got to lay on a nice comfy bed and look up  at one tile that was painted like a blue sky with clouds.  So hey, it could have been worse, right!  This part scared me even more than mammo.  The tech kept focusing on one area, the area that I wasn't as scared about, but was now.  I could hear the machine take the pics and hear it zoom. And it hurt.  This area is so tender.  After she spent a good 20 minutes on that boob, we were on to the next. I had to be propped up, of course because when I am laying down, my boob is pretty much under my armpit!  BUT....that is ok, I am going to embrace these healthy boobies from here on out!  After she finished she sent the films to the doctor and I waited.  Then came the knock and the doctor shaking my hand as I am laying there with my arm over my head and both boobs, under my armpits.  SEX-AY!  NOT!!!!  And of course he just had to be attractive! SO....he wanted to take one more look at the right boobie.  He said what is causing the lump and pain, is breast tissue.  He was almost 100% sure.  He only has to be 98%, so that was comforting! This is when I was able to breath and truly feel OK.  The left side is just fibrous and changes when my hormones do, during my cycle.  Ok, I can live with that.  AND...I can live with the right one hurting me, until I hit menopause.  I go back in 6 months for a re-check to make sure nothing has changed.  I walked out to meet Ray with a huge smile on my face and gave him 2 thumbs up!! 

As we rode home, I wondered, will all the ladies I sat with, be as lucky as me???  I pray that they will be.  I hope that even if they don't get as good news as I did, the never lose hope that they can fight harder than they have every fought, to kick cancer's ass.  Cancer doesn't have to be a death sentence.  This is why early detection is SO important!!  It is OK to be scared, but you have to do it.  If you are due for a mammogram, please go.  If you know someone that is due, please encourage them to go.  I am one of the biggest chicken shits I know, when it comes to medical stuff, so if I can do this, anyone can! 

There you have it, a day in the life of me and my boobs!  Thank you all for the love and support through this scary time!  It means more to me than you will ever know.  And if you are scared to go and want to ask me any questions, please email me. I will ALWAYS email back! 


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October Goals

Happy October!  I LOVE this month! It is full of yummy smells and tastes, like caramel, bonfires, pumpkin and chili!  It is also the month my hubby, my daughter, 2 of my nieces and many other fabulous people, in my life, were born in.  It is also the month that holds my favorite holiday, Halloween!  And this year I am going to a fabulous party on the 26th, to celebrate just that! 

I figured with so much celebrating going on, I best set some goals to stick to!  So the first one is the squat challenge.  I started this last Monday and so far, so good!  But like I told my girl Wendy, if this does not make my rump, high and tight, I may have to cut a biotch!  I kid I kid....maybe?!?!?  Tonight is 100 squats....eek!  And yes, I do them all at once.  I figure why not get in some REAL burn.

Next goal, kickboxing 3 times a week, tabata twice a week, and weight training, twice a week.  Just a little experiment I am doing.  In November, I plan to do Ripped, so I want to be able to compare months.  I just love kickboxing and got the best results ever, from it.  Every time I am done, I feel it in my abs.  If you don't believe that kickboxing does wonders for  your mid-section, do 150 crunches, the night before, to get your abs sore and then do kickboxing.  This way you "feel" exactly where all those kicks are working their magic.  It's the BEST crunchless, ab workout, around! :)

Last goal for the month, stay positive.  I have my diagnostic mammogram tomorrow followed by a bilateral sonogram of both breasts, with a possible biopsy.'s time to put my big girl panties on and think positive.  It's sad for me to think that I have ALWAYS hated my boobs so much, when there on women out there losing theirs, every single day.  This also reminded me that as women, we "hate" too much about ourselves.  We are always wishing we were thinner, younger, prettier, smarter, etc.  Life is too short for such negative energy.  Embrace what God gave you.  Of what "whoever" gave you.  Yes, my boobies sag and have stretch marks.  And yes, my legs have lose skin and cellulite.  SO WHAT! At least I have healthy legs and boobs that are still mine.  So when you look in the mirror the next time, embrace just how beautiful you are.  Because I guarantee you, what we all see, is not what you see.  And if you are over 40 or have a history in your family, of breast cancer, make your mammogram appt.  DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!!!!  This is breast cancer awareness month.  SO if you know someone that is scared to go, encourage them.  Heck, go with them.  It is NOT that bad.  It is over in minutes and it did NOT hurt.  I am blessed to have my hubby going with me tomorrow.  My beautiful friend Tiff also said she would go and hold my hand or boob, if need be. :)  Tomorrow night I am having dinner with 2 of my childhood friends (Tiff being one) because Lord knows I will need a drink or ten!  But as my mom always tells me, no matter what happens, it could always be worse.  This my friends, is so true....


Thursday, September 19, 2013

Thankful Thursday...

Today I  was asked by the absolutely lovely, Jenna @ to join a link up, called Thankful Thursday!  I of course said yes, because A.  I LOVE Jenna and B.  I am one blessed girl and have so much to be thankful for.  I feel like lately, there has been so much negative in the world that why not focus on all that we DO have to be thankful for, not what we wish was different.  So here goes!

1.  I am so thankful to have the most amazing parents in the world.  They have loved me no matter what!  And let's just say this, at times, I have not been so lovable.  They have taught me that it could always be worse.  And they are right.  A few years ago, when I was having a REALLY rough time, my mom told me to STOP focusing on what I don't have and look at ALL that I do have.  Boy was she right.  Life is just too short to not enjoy all that you have.  Sure we all wish we had more money, were thinner and prettier, but none of THAT, will every make you truly happy....

2.  My babies.  OMG I cannot tell you how amazing these two are.  They make me laugh every single day.  For example the other day, Liv asked me what the doctor did when I had my colonoscopy.  Yeah, she is odd like that.  Any who, when I explained to her that they had to take a camera and explore inside mommy, her response was this...."YOU mean they took a cell phone and put it in your butt?"  "I mean did they text what they saw?"  I sh*t you not, this is what my child said!  I guess to a kid born in 2006, a camera is a phone. :) And then there is Drew, my sweet little boy.  The one that tells my he thinks I am beautiful and the best mommy ever, at least 10 times a day.  He too makes me laugh, every day.  On Monday night, from the kitchen I hear, "Oh  man, my right ball hurts".  I could not help but burst out in laughter.  I looked at Ray and said, "ok this one is yours".  hahah!!  Thankfully, all was well in the old "ball" dept.  I am pretty sure his sister "accidentally" kicked him.  Just sayin... 

3.  My husband.  The one that I refused to let get away.  We have been up and down and way down but we never gave up.  We have been together 10 years and married 9. (these numbers were reversed, until my girl Marcy, pointed out to me, my mistake...I am blonde after all ) :) I can honestly say, I am happier than I have ever been.  We FINALLY get each other.  We know how to fight and we know how to love.  So it all balances out.  He knows that when I have PMS, to just walk away and let me fly off the handle.  And I know when he just needs his ESPN, its ok.  I have learned over the years that NOTHING worth fighting for is easy.  Love is hard.  Especially true love.  You must take the good with the bad. 

4.  All of the amazing women I have become friends with, thanks to IG!  Aly, Darci, Jenna, Sara, Marcy, April, Michelle, Wendy, Danielle....just to name a few.  I absolutely adore these women.  And I get to meet a few of them IRL, in 6 weeks!!!!  SO EXCITED! I know we will laugh until we cry and make these girl's weekends, a regular thing!

5. I am thankful that I have had to struggle in life. Because it has made me stronger than I ever thought possible.  I am thankful for my too small of a house, my 10 year old car, my ability to buy only things that are on sale.  I am also thankful that money truly doesn't mean sh*t to me. Yes, it would be nice to have more.  BUT....only so I could share the wealth.  No matter what you might think of me, based on what you see in pics or read here, I really am just a simple girl.  What makes me happy is being with my family.  Yep, a night at home with my loved ones by my side, is ALL I NEED! :)

And there you have it!  Just a few things I am thankful for....


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

That one pair...

With it being 9/11, this post will be short...but it relates to that very day, 12 years ago..

So in my house, I do my own laundry as does my hubby.  Not sure why, but it has been this way, since we started dating. I can't complain it's one less person's crap I have to  Any who, last night Ray told me he was going to do laundry.  Mind you this was at 9:30 and I had one eye open, barely.  I told him that I had clothes in the dryer that I just couldn't fold.  I told him could just shove them up his ass.  Yes, I seriously said that. was in a sweet way, that made him laugh.  I figured they would show up, unfolded, on the couch, when I woke in the morning.  To my surprise, they were ALL neatly folded and waiting for me, on the bathroom sink.  OK here comes the weird part....on top of that pile, was the pair of underwear I bought the evening of 9/11, at a different Duane Reade, across from my office.  See I spent the night in my office on 9/11 because my apartment was part of the crime scene.  In fact, we weren't allowed to move back in until after the Thanksgiving holiday.  I actually lived at The Waldorf Astoria, until I could move back to my apartment.  The Waldorf (and many other hotels) was kind enough to offer rooms, at a special rate, for those of us displaced after 9/11. 

I have not worn those "Hanes Her Way" cotton briefs since 9/12/01.  That's right, they have been packed away in a dresser drawer since I moved back home in 03.  Here is my this a sign of some sort????  I mean if you read my blog, you know I only wear thongs.  SO...why did these undies appear?  Liv and I cleaned my room, this weekend, so maybe she pulled them out and they got mixed up with dirty laundry.  But how strange is it that not only did Ray fold my laundry, he placed that pair of undies, on the top of the pile.  I am going to take it as some sort of a sign.  A good sign, that it is OK for me to grieve, every year.  It is OK for me to sob, for no reason at all, except for the fact that it is 9/11. It is OK, that I will  never be able to erase those horrible images from my brain.  It is ALL OK, because it is a part of ME.  It has taught me to love harder, forgive easier, live ever day like it might be my last AND....I never ever go a day without telling my babies and my husband that I love them at least 20 times.  So if you are reading this, reach out to those you love, forgive someone that has hurt you and live this day like it is your last... 

When things get bad....remember, they WILL get better. 


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

So what....

Today I am doing a random post of all the things I have recently said, "so what" to! 

So what if I started to walk out of the house yesterday, with mouthwash, still in my mouth!

So what if after I did that, I had to run back in to apply deodorant, that I had forgot to put on.

So what if Liv got raisin bran and milk ALL over her uniform and I told Ray if she doesn't wear the polo dress I gave her to put on, she can just go naked!  (don't worry, she wore clothes)

So what if I started to ball like a baby, when I saw 9/11 footage on Sunday.  It is part of me and I can't control it.

So what if I did tabata yesterday and wanted to DIE!!!

So what if I am looking forward to Honey Boo Boo's episode tomorrow night.  I want to see June commit to Sugar Bear, so there!

So what if I cleaned my entire bedroom except the closet.  It will get done, when it gets done!

So what if I ate REALLY good yesterday,  JUST so I could have some white wine.  Some days, you just gotta go with it. 

So what if I went to the grocery store for a "few" things and spent $225.  Eating clean aint cheap!  And yes, I know that aint, aint a word.

So what if I correct my children's grammar like a crazy woman.  I am a stickler for it!

So what if this morning Liv asked me why I wear underwear up my butt (I wear thongs) every day and I told her, "because this way I don't have to keep picking my butt all day, it just stays up there".  Hey, its the truth!

So what If I am excited that my mother-in-law coming over tonight, for a pizza cooking and no dishes!

So what if I keep looking for airfare to Florida for Thanksgiving even though I vowed to NEVER travel during that time again!  Yeah, having the check-in line at LaGuardia be wrapped around the ENTIRE airport, DID ME IN.  BUT....I miss my Florida family.

So what if I wish I could start my own business where I go to people's houses to try and kick start them on their lifestyle change.  I could workout with them and show them how to prep and what to prep, to eat clean.

So what if have 2 super full baskets of laundry to put least it is clean and folded!

So what if I FINALLY unpacked my last bag, from our July Florida trip.  I could have just waited until I needed it for Chicago, in November. :)

So what if I CANNOT wait to meet so many amazing women, in November, in Chicago.  And so what if I already consider them close friends, even though we have yet to meet IRL!

So what if I am already thinking of what to wear for  my Chicago trip....I'm weird like that.

OK that is it for now!  I hope you are all having a fabulous Tuesday...


Friday, September 6, 2013

I was nominated by one of my favorite bloggers, Amanda @ My Very Own Modern Family, for a Sunshine Award.  I just love her and hope to meet her IRL! :)

Anyway, the rules of the award are as follows:
The award is circulated to those bloggers to let them know that their posts brighten your day.

1. Include the award logo on your post or blog
2. Link to the person who nominated you - Amanda @ My Very Own Modern Family
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award. Link your nominees in your post and leave them a comment letting them know that they have been nominated.

1. What is your greatest accomplishment? My babies, Drew and Liv

2. Manicures or do your own nails?  I have had one manicure in 41 years, so it appears I do my own! :)

3. Do you play any musical instruments? I played the flute and NO, NOT that kind of flute you dirty minded people. :)  I was HORRIBLE at it and beat it on my flute stand, nightly, in hopes that it would break.

4. If you had to be in a talent show, what would be your talent?  I can belch so loud and disgusting it would clear a room. Oh and I can tie a cherry string in a knot, with my tongue.

5. What is your favorite board game?  Clue

6. Where do you rank in birth order with your siblings (if any)?  I am right smack in the middle. I am one of 3 girls.

7. What is the one city you want to visit before you die? San Diego

8. Solids or prints? Solids

9. What is your go-to recipe for a potluck?  Low fat buffalo chicken dip

10. If you could win a $5000 gift card, which store would it be for?  J Crew Factory

There you have it!  Now on to my 10 questions:

1. Your "first time", regret or no regret
2. Best concert you have ever been to
3. Vanilla or chocolate
4. Dream Car
5. Have you ever been in a fist fight
6. Tropical vacation or ski vacation
7. Do you still speak to your high school bff
8. Cake or pie
9. Gin or Vodka in your martini
10. Have you ever peed your pants, as an adult

And the nominees are:
Darci @
Jenna @
Pat @
Wendy @ A Daily Dose of Del Signore
Ashley @
Alicia @
Meredith @
Ashleigh @
Meredith @
Tara @

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Saying, "I can't have that", will make you want "that".

Happy Hump Day!! I still can't get over how hot it is!  I know it's August and all, but hello, the leaves are starting to fall, so that means fall is coming, right?!?!  I hope so!  I will take one last weekend of some fun in the sun, and then it's time to say good-bye to sundresses and tank tops.  I wan football, chili, sweaters and boots!

Today I want to touch on something that hit me, like a ton of bricks, last night.  I no longer say, "oh I can't eat that".  Yep, I allow myself, what I want (this actually happened when I ate some dark chocolate chips, followed by s few combos).  WHY???  Because when you say, "oh I can't have that", this makes you want it even more.  I realized last night that I have been living this way, since about January.  And what do you know, I have been in the best shape of my life, I haven't had the urge to purge, I never feel deprived and I am 100% content, with who I am.  Hmmm.... 

It's funny that this all hit me last night, because one of my favorite fitness girls, JillFit, did a post on it, this morning.  Her post is titled "How cheating more, will help you cheat less".  I knew I loved this girl for a reason.  She is SO right!  She mentions that the whole "black and white" thing, doesn't work with successful weight loss.  It only took me 40 years to truly get that one!  You cannot lose weight and keep it off, saying you can't have certain things.  Your "lifestyle change", MUST fit YOUR, specific needs.  For instance, I am an ice cream addict!  Yep, I MUST have it.  So I knew I had to keep this in my normal rotation of foods.  This is why I can NEVER eat 100% clean.  It's just not in my DNA!  I like stuff like, wine, ice cream, Doritos, that yummy cheese dip, you get at Mexican restaurants, egg rolls, sour candy....just to name a few.  But what I do now, is have that as a treat.  Like when we go to the movies, I don't think twice about eating popcorn, milk duds and chocolate covered raisins.  I mean it, no guilt at all!  I sit back, enjoy the movie and my treats.  I am now in the mindset that I can have bad stuff, and when I do, it doesn't mean the whole day is shot.  We usually go to the movies before noon, on the weekends.  It is way  So for breakfast, I will have my oatmeal pancakes and some form of protein.  Then when we get home have lunch, I eat clean, as well. And that night, if I want wine, it's ok.  I just make sure, my dinner is healthy and "clean".  And I don't gain weight or eat this stuff and go, "OMG I am such a cow".   But boy I sure did, a year ago. 

I am in a pretty predictable eating routine now.  SO....I know to "plan ahead" for my so-called "bad" foods.  Like I know we eat out more on the weekends, so I make adjustments during the week, for this. Or if I have a GNO during the week, I plan ahead for certain workouts that will burn more and I eat more strict.  Then when I got to "half price bottles of wine", night, I don't feel an ounce of guilt. 

Planning a head is HUGE, in weight loss.  As is allowing yourself what you are craving.  When you are craving chips, measure them out and stick to the serving size.  You will be amazed that this is enough, to satisfy your craving.  AND...once you have it, you won't feel the need to binge.  It's these little things, that keep you on the right track.  I think this is why Weight Watchers is so successful, for so many people.  You get to eat what you want, based on your points.  I have many friends that have been super successful at this.  Like they save up points for nights out of Mexican food and wine.  So it's kind of like how I live my life.  I plan ahead accordingly, for what I might eat.  I do this with my workouts as well.  On days I haven't eaten as much as I should, my workouts are lighter.  And then when I eat more, I workout more.  BUT...I always balance it out, to make sure I am eating enough.  Don't ever want to slip below what my body  needs.

One thing that has REALLY helped me not feel deprived, is making some "bad" food, good!  If you want a burger and fries...take a red potato and a sweet potato, cut them up into cubes, add some olive oil, a little garlic powder and red pepper flakes, roast @ 450 for about 20 minutes.  Then take some 99% lean turkey, spice it up with hot sauce and Worcestershire sauce and broil. This is one of my FAVORITE meals!  Who needs McDonald's anyway!!   Oh and I replaced my ketchup addiction with many different flavors of mustard!  I like jalapeno, sweet & spicy and Dijon, to name a few!

Do NOT be afraid of food!  Make it your friend. Ok I know that sounds stupid, but it is true!  I used to literally be afraid of food!  I would get nervous about eating food, because I thought every ounce of it, whether it was healthy or unhealthy, would make me gain weight.  Now I actually enjoy eating and don't "think" about it.  Also try new things, things you think you won't like!  You might be surprised.  And....make your food as esthetically pleasing, as possible.  Make it "pop", with color.  This will also really help.  Mind games people, they!!!

Hope you are all enjoying your week so far!  I am SO ready for one last 3 day weekend....I need to clean my closet...ick!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

20 Random weight loss "things" about me!

Happy Tuesday!  It is hotter than a 2 peckered goat, in a sheep field, here in lovely IL!  It's almost too hot to swim!  Well unless you have a cooler stocked with wine and beer and margaritas!  Oh and a pool boy that looks like Bradley Cooper.  Sorry....I side tracked!

On IG, this past week, a lot of people were listing 20 random things about themselves, me included.  So it gave me an idea for a blog post.  I thought I would share 20 random things about my weight loss.  Some will be kinda funny and some might be considered sad.  BUT....they are all a part of me!

1.  When I was in junior high, I weighed 210+ pounds and couldn't do any of the things we needed to, for the President's Physical Fitness Test.  It was beyond embarrassing, and I was made fun of...A LOT.  Gee you think the effing short shorts and tank tops, had something to do with it!

2.  I am the only one in my entire family, that has EVER had a weight problem.  I have 2 stunning sisters that are not only beautiful, but naturally thin.  Those skinny things could eat whatever they wanted...bitches!! :o) 

3.  I used to be a size 38DDD. Oh yes, just call me Dolly Parton. Funny thing...I share a birthday with Dolly.  Hmmmm...  I am now a 34C, but wear a 34D minimizer, due to the loose skin in my tatas!

4.  The first a-ha purchase for me, when I lost weight was a pair of Guess Jeans.  They were sized 1-4, 4 being the biggest.  To say I SQUEEZED into the size 4 (biggest size) would be an understatement.  I had to lie down to get them zipped.  But in my mind, I hit a goal and NSV!

5.  I used to have to stop, when running, after only about 3 minutes.  I would be so winded and my thighs would rub together and cause a big nasty rash.  Now...I can run a mile in 9 minutes without any problem.

6.  I lost the bulk of my weight by simply walking.  I started at a slow and steady pace, for 20 minutes and worked my way up to a fast paced, power walk, for 30 minutes.  Walking is one of the best things you can do, when trying to lose weight.  It's easy on the joints and will get those pounds off!

7.  I used to do Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons workout videos.  Oh boy was this a fun time! Jane was like JM and Richard, well he was fun!  Unfortunately, I think I just ate after those workouts.

8.  I used to eat the 2 cheeseburger and fries, value meal, at McDonald's, and still be hungry after.

9.  I have been on every fad diet known to man!  I did slim fast, the hot dog diet, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet (for one second), the grapefruit diet, the starve yourself diet, the binge and purge diet...and so on.  NOT ONE OF THEM, ever worked!

10.  I used to want to be thin, so I could have a boyfriend.  Yep, I sure did.  This is why I did all those stupid diets.  HA!  What the heck was I thinking!

11.  Growing up, I ALWAYS wore a t-shirt over my swimsuit.  I was a size women's 14, while my friends were still in kids sizes.  My mom would let me get the "miracle suit" in hopes that I could hide my fat.  Pretty sure, that didn't work.

12.  I used to get mooed at, called fat ass, disgusting pig, Shamu, beached whale, Porky the Pig, the funny one with the pretty face, to name a few. 

13.  One time at a restaurant, I was with my ex and two of the waitresses, were snickering at me, calling me fat, saying "why is he with HER".  What did my ex do, told them I was his friend.  Yep, he sure the hell did.

14.  I wouldn't go para sailing because I didn't want to tell them my weight.  They had to know, and would then radio it, to the boat driver.  Yep, I was just too ashamed.

15.  I was never picked for teams in PE.  I was always the last one. Even my own friends, wouldn't pick me.

16. One time, in softball, after I lost a few pounds, my coach said, "wow, you aren't as fat anymore". Yep, a grown ass man, at a Christian School, said this to me, in front of everyone.

17.  I could eat an entire Tombstone pizza, bag of Doritos and big ass soda, and still be hungry!  This was my go to meal, when no one was home to see me eat it. 

18.  When I first lost weight, SO many people said this to me, "wow, I didn't realize how tall you were". 

19.  I have stretch marks on my stomach, boobs, hips and inner thighs, back of my arms, and they have all been there, since my early teen years.

20.  I don't know what size clothes I got up to, because in the end, I only wore elastic pants/skirts and big shirts. 

Being overweight is hard on so many levels. It can beat you down, take away your confidence, your self worth and your pride.  It hides many a smile and brings many tears. can defeat it.  You can wake up, say, "I AM DONE" and never look back.  I know this, because that is what I did.  It took me a good 2 years, to lose 75 pounds.

  The other 40 pounds, came off in the next 5-10 years. But you know what, it stayed off, because slow and steady wins the race.  YOU....have to want it, for the right reasons.  Only YOU can convince YOU, that YOU are ready.  You can look to others for motivation and inspiration, but at the end of the day, you are in control.  You will cry, you will cuss, you will say f*ck this, more times than you can count.  BUT...that is ALL a part of the journey.  You have to go through the motions and FEEL, every single emotion, known to man.  You will hit plateaus, you will not see the scale move for weeks or even months. will all work itself out.  Don't use "Haters" as your motivators, use yourself.  Prove to the old you, that the new you, is one tough cookie!  Tell that old you, buh-bye for good.  But take with you, all that you have learned.  Don't change that inner you, tweak it a bit, but don't let being "thin" make you into something you aren't.