Thursday, October 31, 2013


Why yes, I am still alive!  I know I haven't posted much, lately.  Today I thought I would do a list of some truths, about me. 

1.  I have cellulite, stretch marks and lots of loose skin.  But Lori, we don't see it in your pics.  So I will tell you just where it is.  It is in my thighs, boobs and right below my bikini line.  This is why you don't see it.  No way in HELL, will I EVER where short shorts, my progress pics are taken in workout pants and a sports bra and I am not dipping down that low, to show you some loose skin above my cha-cha!  BUT....I still want to always be real and let you know, it is there!

2.  I do not suck my gut in when I take progress pics.  WHY???  Because I would be lying to myself.  I NEED to see what I REALLY look like.  This stems from my issues with body dysmorphia.  I don't want to "make" myself look "thinner" than I am. 

3.  I have wrinkles.  If you don't see them in my pics, don't worry, they are there.  I don't try to hide them, but the ole iPhone does. Oh and I have frown lines and smile lines too.  So this is why I try and smile BIG, it is way more flattering than a frown!

4.  I cannot and will not follow someone that is obviously struggling with an eating disorder or body image disorder.  I was that girl and I cannot go back.   Seeing some girls that are barely 20, posting about how they have 8% body fat, makes me sad AND mad. why little girls start to hate their bodies at such a young age.  That is NOT attainable, unless you take drastic measures.  I am 41, I have hips and thighs, that will ALWAYS be there.  I don't want to be all muscle.  I want to eat and be happy.  I cannot let what I look like consume my life.  NO THANKS!

5.  I do not eat clean 100% of the time.  Nor will I ever.  For some, it's doable, not this wine loving, beer drinking, pizza eating girl.  NO THANKS!  Life is too short.  If I want it, I will eat it.  There was a point in my life where I was OBSESSED with every freaking thing that went in my mouth and I was one miserable bitch.  I was out of control.  I am so passed that and have never been happier.

6.  I am not a workout junkie.  If it takes more than 20-35 minutes, I don't do it.  It doesn't fit my lifestyle.  I would much rather snuggle with my babies and have some flab, than be ultra fit and spend hours trying to maintain it.  But this is MY choice.  I choose to workout at home, in my bedroom while my kids are there with me, on the computer, playing math games.  It works for us. 

7.  I have never worn spanx...and here is why. I don't want to pretend I am all flat and toned.  I would be lying to ME.  This is also from my issues way back when I was bulimic and obsessed with image.  If I have a food baby, at a wedding reception, in my tight dress, so be it.  I have to keep it real, for ME.  I don't want to look in the mirror and go, "damn I am looking thin today" only to wake up the next day and go, " happened, I did not look this big last night.  See I am weird AND have issues.  BUT....I am a work in progress.  And honest, maybe too!

8.  I worry too much about what people think about my pics on IG, and it has gotten at times, unhealthy.  I worry that people are saying, "she has edited the hell out of that pic, "wow she looks way bigger today", "she is totally angling that camera to make her look thinner than she is".  Yep, all those thoughts have gone through my head and they shouldn't.  I shouldn't care what others think. BUT....I am human.  It shows me that I still have some work to do, on my self image.

9.  My weight loss does not define me.  It IS.... a special part of me, and has played a MAJOR role in my life.  But..... if I died tomorrow, the one thing I would want people to know about me is that I have a good heart. what defines me.  A heart that loves hard, and fights for what is right.  A heart that is so full of love for her babies, her husband, family and friends.  A heart that only wants to see good things happen to people.  A heart that wishes she could help those in need.  A heart that is simple, but real.  It's hard to get that across in a photo of me in a bikini, I get that.  It's hard not to judge when you see superficial things.  I am guilty of it too.

10. Lastly, I worry that my kids will someday struggle with their weight or body image and it scares the living daylights out of me.  I don't want them to ever feel what I, and so many others, have felt.  It's a pain that is so deep and one that is hard to ever truly get over.  At the same time, I pray every day that they will always stick up for the kids being bullied and all the "underdogs".  Even if it means, they will get crap from others, for it.  Too many kids today, don't have anyone to turn to, I want my kids to be that ONE kid, they can turn to, for acceptance.

So there you have it, a little more about me....


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

That one pic that makes you go....OMG

So this weekend, Liv lost her darn iPod touch, so I spent an hour and a half, searching high and low, for it.  As the search went on, I found this pic.

This pic was an eye opener.  I am going to be real honest with you, I had NO idea, I was that big.  This pic was taken on my 19th birthday.  I was in a very abusive marriage and this is proof, that I used food to comfort myself.  Food didn't tell me I was f*cking fat and ugly or "embarrassing" to be around. did make me unhealthy.  I won't say being overweight made me unhappy and miserable, it didn't.  Even though I was in an abusive relationship, I still got plenty of love from my family.  I was still a funny, loving and loyal person. 
At this point in my life, I really didn't have any friends left, I isolated myself from them.  I was so ashamed of the life I was living.  And by that I mean, the marriage I was in, not my weight.  Plus, I had run into a few "friends" from high school at college and they said some pretty harsh things, thinking I couldn't hear them.  Well I did, and it just made me eat more.  Today when I am down, I workout.  So funny how that has changed.  Exercise makes me feel better, physically AND mentally.  I have said this before, but it is the best anti-depressant out there!!'s FREE!!!  Another thing I notice, when I look at this pic, is how far my thighs have come.  From this point on, I am no longer going to bitch about my saggy skinned thighs, that have cellulite!  NOPE, they are OK, just the way they are.  That saggy skin came from a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  Same with my stretch marks, I am embracing them.  Self bullying is an awful thing.  What we don't realize is that it keeps us, from achieving our goals.  When you tell yourself over and over, how much you hate this or hate that, about yourself, you start to think you can't "improve" them. can!  You just have to think positive and focus only on the "likes".  When you do this, you start to see some pretty amazing things.  Like I see pretty blue eyes, some pretty nice shoulders, my height and my thin hands.  When I look at my thighs, I may not see all the definition I have, but I FEEL it.  I feel my hard work, paying off.  So remember, just because you can't "see" it, it is happening.  Like when you get on the scale and it doesn't move for months, but you are down a clothes size or two, this is what you need to focus on. 

This next picture, is very blurry and I am sorry for that. is a defining picture for me.  In this pic, I don't fit on the chair.  But 22 years later, I do.  See I have this kitchen table and chairs in my house. And the reason I can, is because I NEVER gave up on myself.  I did doubt myself, too many times to count, but I never gave up.  I have made  it work.  I pack my breakfast and lunch every day, along with healthy snacks and I workout 5-6 days a week.   I don't drink shakes, take supplements or pop "magic" pills.  I also don't spend hours, working out.  I spend a max of 35 minutes working out.  AND...I do my workouts in my bedroom on a tiny TV from the 90's!  And let's not forget I do this after working a full day, with 2 kids at home.  So quit making excuses.  If I can workout with my kids, yelling at each other, running right in front of me, so can you.  My kids are 6 3/4 and 8, they are BEYOND ACTIVE, but I still make it work. 

There have been days when I thought I should stop my blog and IG.  I think sometimes, when followers, "unfollow" me, that I am just annoying.  For that I am sorry.  But then I see a pic like this, a pic that is PROOF, that significant weight loss is possible and it's possible without a fad diet or gym membership.  It is also possible to do it at any age.    I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  I know I was heavy, for a reason.  I know I found this pic, for a reason.  I think it will give someone that is struggling, hope and motivation.  They will see me at 250++ and then me at 155, and go OK, "If she can do it, I can do it".  I also hope people see my after pics and go, "OK, you don't have to weigh 120 pounds to be fit". 
Remember, focus on what you like, it will one day be something you love, about yourself.  Stop self-bullying, it is just sabotaging your success. It's like the little engine that could, keep telling yourself, "I think I can, I think I can"....and you will.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Laughter truly is the best medicine

As many of you know, yesterday was a big day for me.  A BIG OLE SCARY DAY!  I won't lie, going into this, I let my mind go to some pretty awful places.  I am going to be 100% real with you and share them.

1.  The moment the doctor felt the lumps, I immediately thought, "I can't leave my babies, I just can't, they NEED me".

2.  OK so is the real reason I have a blog and IG because I am going to have breast cancer and share the process with everyone.

3.  By sharing this, will I actually save someones life?  Being this open, just might encourage someone to go get a mammogram.  I know it took my mom and friend, Tiffany, to get me to go for mine.  I cancelled my first apt. because I had strep.  BUT thankfully, my doctor's nurse called me personally and told me I HAD to do it.

4.  After my apt. last Friday, I get home and watch Basketball Wives and it is the episode where Tammy and Evelyn meet with a woman that saw them get mammograms, so she got one.  THIS....saved her life!  So was this yet another sign???

5.  My apt. was the second day of October, which is breast cancer awareness month.  Ummm.....sign???

So as you can see, I am a worrier.  I play little games with myself and get all worked up.  UGH...wish it wasn't true, but that's just me.

Yesterday I went into the apt. with a good attitude.  Well as good as I could, for me.  I went in thinking that NO MATTER what the outcome, I will get through it.  First stop was the mammogram. Let me tell you, a diagnostic mammogram is NOT like your regular mammogram.  Oh dear Lord, I had know idea my boobies could move like that.  It was put your arm here, kinda stick your behind out here, so we can get you closer.  OK now don't breath and don't move.  AND....let's do that 42674 times!  OK next stop, I get to go sit in a waiting room, in my skirt, no bra or top, just the lovely gown that opens in the front, with 6 other women!  So me being the funny girl I say, "oh yay we all get to sit together with our boobies out".  Crickets....  Come on ladies, let's make this fun.  Not happenin!  So we all sat there in silence and watched HGTV.  I decided to text my sis and Ray.  We had some fun, at least! :)  As I sat and got comfy, they came back to get me for some more boobie maneuvering. DANGIT, I thought I was clear!!  This scared me some.  The tech told me she needed to get films of some "vessels"????  Oh well, all these pics can't hurt, they will only help.  After that it was back to the boob waiting room.  An hour later, I head to sono.  I got to lay on a nice comfy bed and look up  at one tile that was painted like a blue sky with clouds.  So hey, it could have been worse, right!  This part scared me even more than mammo.  The tech kept focusing on one area, the area that I wasn't as scared about, but was now.  I could hear the machine take the pics and hear it zoom. And it hurt.  This area is so tender.  After she spent a good 20 minutes on that boob, we were on to the next. I had to be propped up, of course because when I am laying down, my boob is pretty much under my armpit!  BUT....that is ok, I am going to embrace these healthy boobies from here on out!  After she finished she sent the films to the doctor and I waited.  Then came the knock and the doctor shaking my hand as I am laying there with my arm over my head and both boobs, under my armpits.  SEX-AY!  NOT!!!!  And of course he just had to be attractive! SO....he wanted to take one more look at the right boobie.  He said what is causing the lump and pain, is breast tissue.  He was almost 100% sure.  He only has to be 98%, so that was comforting! This is when I was able to breath and truly feel OK.  The left side is just fibrous and changes when my hormones do, during my cycle.  Ok, I can live with that.  AND...I can live with the right one hurting me, until I hit menopause.  I go back in 6 months for a re-check to make sure nothing has changed.  I walked out to meet Ray with a huge smile on my face and gave him 2 thumbs up!! 

As we rode home, I wondered, will all the ladies I sat with, be as lucky as me???  I pray that they will be.  I hope that even if they don't get as good news as I did, the never lose hope that they can fight harder than they have every fought, to kick cancer's ass.  Cancer doesn't have to be a death sentence.  This is why early detection is SO important!!  It is OK to be scared, but you have to do it.  If you are due for a mammogram, please go.  If you know someone that is due, please encourage them to go.  I am one of the biggest chicken shits I know, when it comes to medical stuff, so if I can do this, anyone can! 

There you have it, a day in the life of me and my boobs!  Thank you all for the love and support through this scary time!  It means more to me than you will ever know.  And if you are scared to go and want to ask me any questions, please email me. I will ALWAYS email back! 


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October Goals

Happy October!  I LOVE this month! It is full of yummy smells and tastes, like caramel, bonfires, pumpkin and chili!  It is also the month my hubby, my daughter, 2 of my nieces and many other fabulous people, in my life, were born in.  It is also the month that holds my favorite holiday, Halloween!  And this year I am going to a fabulous party on the 26th, to celebrate just that! 

I figured with so much celebrating going on, I best set some goals to stick to!  So the first one is the squat challenge.  I started this last Monday and so far, so good!  But like I told my girl Wendy, if this does not make my rump, high and tight, I may have to cut a biotch!  I kid I kid....maybe?!?!?  Tonight is 100 squats....eek!  And yes, I do them all at once.  I figure why not get in some REAL burn.

Next goal, kickboxing 3 times a week, tabata twice a week, and weight training, twice a week.  Just a little experiment I am doing.  In November, I plan to do Ripped, so I want to be able to compare months.  I just love kickboxing and got the best results ever, from it.  Every time I am done, I feel it in my abs.  If you don't believe that kickboxing does wonders for  your mid-section, do 150 crunches, the night before, to get your abs sore and then do kickboxing.  This way you "feel" exactly where all those kicks are working their magic.  It's the BEST crunchless, ab workout, around! :)

Last goal for the month, stay positive.  I have my diagnostic mammogram tomorrow followed by a bilateral sonogram of both breasts, with a possible biopsy.'s time to put my big girl panties on and think positive.  It's sad for me to think that I have ALWAYS hated my boobs so much, when there on women out there losing theirs, every single day.  This also reminded me that as women, we "hate" too much about ourselves.  We are always wishing we were thinner, younger, prettier, smarter, etc.  Life is too short for such negative energy.  Embrace what God gave you.  Of what "whoever" gave you.  Yes, my boobies sag and have stretch marks.  And yes, my legs have lose skin and cellulite.  SO WHAT! At least I have healthy legs and boobs that are still mine.  So when you look in the mirror the next time, embrace just how beautiful you are.  Because I guarantee you, what we all see, is not what you see.  And if you are over 40 or have a history in your family, of breast cancer, make your mammogram appt.  DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!!!!  This is breast cancer awareness month.  SO if you know someone that is scared to go, encourage them.  Heck, go with them.  It is NOT that bad.  It is over in minutes and it did NOT hurt.  I am blessed to have my hubby going with me tomorrow.  My beautiful friend Tiff also said she would go and hold my hand or boob, if need be. :)  Tomorrow night I am having dinner with 2 of my childhood friends (Tiff being one) because Lord knows I will need a drink or ten!  But as my mom always tells me, no matter what happens, it could always be worse.  This my friends, is so true....