Something a little light!

OK my past few posts have been kind of deep, SO....I am go to lighten things up a bit!  I am going to show you a side of Lori that is quite dorky!  I think this also touches on the whole, "don't judge a book by it's cover".  I have been told before, that I am not approachable.  I have also been told by people that their first impression of me, was that I was a bitch.  And this is before they ever spoke a word to me.  I get it, I guess.  I know I have done it too.  It bothers me that people have thought that.  Sometimes I think I frown, when I don't mean to.  My mother is ALWAYS saying, "Lori Ann quit frowning".  My response, "I AM NOT FROWNING"!!  Well if you take a look at my forehead, you know I do, I got me some frown lines!!  Nothing that a little botox can't fix.  AND YES, I AM GETTING BOTOX!! Even if I have to sell my left kidney, to pay for it! :o)

OK on to the lighter side of Lori...

I am a disgusting pig when it comes to belching.  I MEAN A P-I-G, Pig! I could clear a room.  We are talking earth shattering sounds.  Am I proud of this, why yes, yes I am!  Does it drive my husband crazy??? Yep, but it is also one of the things he loves about me.  You know that I am not some big priss!

I have peed my pants on the streets of NYC.  Well actually it was a dress.  My sis and I were there for my Fitness article and it was Valentine's Day.  We went to this amazing little restaurant in SOHO and I had to pee...bad.  BUT...I didn't want to go there, because the whole public bathroom thing kind of weirds me out.  So as we are walking back to our hotel, in the rain, my sis lets a fart slip.  OMG I thought I was going to die!  I stopped dead in my tracks and started to laugh and squeal in this high pitched voice.  I couldn't control it and I said, "OMG I am going to piss myself".  And what do you know, I DID!  I had a dress on people!!  AND NO TIGHTS!  Thank God it was raining and I was able to control the flow!  I still laugh when I think about it.  My sis almost shits herself and I piss myself.  We are true partners in crime!

I think farts are HYSTERICAL.  I mean no matter when or where, if I hear one, I laugh.  I even laughed at a funeral!!  As we are sitting in the funeral home, listening to my step-grandpa's eulogy, someone lets one rip.  Not a silent but deadly, but a big ole lift your butt cheek kind of fart.  Oh Lord, I lost it.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  Which I guess helped, since it was a funeral after all.  Of course my sister heard it and saw I was laughing.  At this point, we were laughing at us, laughing.  We do this a lot, when we are together.  :-)

I have been known to flash my tata's at GNO.  Yes, you read that right.  I figure, once you have babies, the whole world has seen your lady parts, so why not.  That and I have titties that no one would want anyway, so it's not like I am showing some amazing asset!  I should specify though, I ONLY show them to my girl's!  I sure as hell don't show them to guys...ICK!

One time I got it on in the parking lot of a bar AND....moved my friends car to do this.  BUT...when I left with said guy I got it on with, I failed to tell my friend, I moved her car.  OMG did I get an ass chewing!!  It took her a while to cool off!  I can't blame her, she was drunk and roaming some huge parking lot for her car.  THANK GOD, she didn't report it stolen!

I like to break out in song and dance for no reason at all.  I will just start shaking my tail feathers like I am some contestant on DWTS! And this I am not.  I can only dance when I am drunk.  Well I THINK I can dance, when I am drunk.  I call it my liquid courage.  I have seen video of it, and I was wrong, I can't dance.  BUT...I don't care, it makes me happy.

I am a HUGE klutz.  Like we are talking, I should have been named Grace.  I fall ALL the time AND I spill stuff, all the time.  Unfortunately I have passed this on to my daughter.  Poor girl. :(  It drives my husband CRAZY!  If it's not me falling down the stairs, it is Liv.  In one day, I fell down the stairs on the main level, I fell down the basement stairs AND I sliced my hand open, trying to open a can of corn.  This slice required stitches.  AND...one year and one week, to the day of that, I sliced the same damn hand open!  This time, it was my finger though.  And both times, I was about to go on vacation.  Yep, I am one big accident waiting to happen.

I went to Vegas for my gf's wedding and I got roofied.  Yep, I sure did.  It was awful!!  We were all at the Minus 5 Ice Lounge at Mandalay Bay.  We were all standing around after leaving the ice box and slamming our drinks. HOLY SHIT they were strong.  So my friend Traci (the one who's car I moved) starts a conversation with these guys.  They seemed nice and harmless.  They were funny and OK to talk to.  Here is what I should have tuned into, when I asked one of them what they did for a living, they said they were in "chemical sales".  Hmmm...was this a hint that I should run and run far.  We are not quite sure when they slipped us the Rohypnol...because we were never left alone with them.  BUT...lots of drinks were bought and passed.  That whole night is a blurr.  I do know we made it back to the hotel and I passed out and hit my head, hard.  Shocking, Lori fell!  When we woke up the next day, it was awful!!! OMG we wanted to die!! The worst headache ever!  And we couldn't remember anything that had happened.  The effects last for days.  You are SO tired and just feel like you have the flu.  That night our friends got married (it was St. Patty's Day) and we couldn't even look at a drink.  This sucks because it was St. Patty's Day AND open bar!  What a waste..lol And when I told my mother this, I got my ass chewed once again!  AND...a major lecture.  What people don't realize is that it can happen to anyone!  Like I said, we were never alone.

One time when I was walking to work in NYC I fell and ripped my pants.  OK this was rush hour time and it was outside Grand Central Station.  So yes, the whole world saw it!  I tried to act all Joe Cool but I don't think the peeps were buying it.  I had to huge holes in my pants, at my knees.  Oh and blood dripping from them.  I just got up and kept on walking.  See I need to change my name to Grace!

I have this very weird ability to call sheep.  Like really call them and communicate with them.  Before my parents moved to Florida, they lived behind a farm.  A farm that had sheep.  I would sit in my room upstairs, with the window open and call them.  Oh and they talked back to me too!  This my friends, is and was, a site to see!

OK that is enough for now, I suppose.  I just want you all to see that I am just a normal dorky girl.  One that refuses to take herself serious.  Oh and I also refuse to ever grow up! I plan to be the life of the party at the old folks home someday!  I will have my decked out scooter and iv hook up, of wine.

Hope you are all having a FABULOUS DAY!!