If I could go back....

So many people have asked me,  "do you ever wish you could go back and do it all over, skinny"? I have thought long and hard on this.  And you know, I would, but only for a day.  JUST to see how differently I might have been treated.  Growing up overweight was absolute hell.  I was made fun of daily.  Even by people I thought were my friends. This was hard to handle.

It destroyed my self-esteem.  After hearing how fat and ugly you are over and over again, you start to believe you deserve this.  You start to change the way you are around people.  I would put myself out there to be the funny one.  I would make fun of myself first, so others didn't have to.  I tried to dress really well, in hopes that people would focus on my clothes, not my fat. I think the worst thing I allowed my weight to do was, get involved with an abusive man.  Not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.  I allowed some man to tell me how fucking fat and ugly I was in one sentence, and then that he loved me, the next.  Yes, I truly believed that this disgusting human being loved me.  And you know what, I did the same with "friends".  I would sit back and let them make fun of me, because I "thought" they were my friends.  What you come to find out after growing up, is that if someone is your TRUE friend, they will love you at any size.  I am still amazed at how socially acceptable it still is, to make fun of someone for their weight  WTF?!?!?!  No other prejudice is acceptable.  People don't realize the damage being done, when they make fun of an overweight person.  Especially a child.  They have NO CLUE, what road that person has travelled.  How many diets they have tried, how many exercise programs they gave their all to.  It's just not right.

 

I had an old "friend" come up to me and say, 'Wow you look amazing, you used to be so fat".  REALLY????  Did you seriously just say that! People are just fucking clueless I guess!  When I see someone that has changed in appearance due to weight loss, I never say that! 

So this leads me to why I really wouldn't go back and change what I went through.  It made me who I am today.  It made me strong.  I am a true believer in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  Aint that the truth!  I honestly think God made me that way, for a reason.  Maybe so at the age of 41, I can help others who are struggling with their weight, get through it.  Maybe so I can raise children that have compassion for anyone that is struggling with weight.  The word fat is NOT allowed in my home and never will be.  I honestly think that if I had grown up "skinny" I would have most likely been a "hussy"...LOL!  WHY???  Because when I firts lost weight, I did NOT know how to handle the attention.  I went through a phase where I was wild!  Not something I am proud of, but it happened.  I call that phase my "bar whore days".  NO, I was NOT sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry but....I made some BAD choices.  Thank GOD, I was always responsible and safe about said choices.  I think that was a major learning phase for me.  IT showed me what I didn't want in a man.  I wanted people to truly like me for me.  No matter what I looked like on the outside.  I think everything we go through, happens for a reason.  I let my weight keep me from going away to college and becoming a dentist.  BUT...I have to think there is a reason for that.  In the end, I ended up where I was supposed to be.  I ended up marrying a man that loves me at any size and I got the best gift of all, my babies. :)

 

I won't lie, I do love running into people that were assholes to me.  I KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!! I would really like to tell them all to fuck off, but that is not how I was raised.  I try and remember that we all have things we struggle with .  I realize that maybe that bully wasn't happy either, with how their life was going. 

One thing I truly do regret...not enjoying my life to the fullest, all those years.  I wish I would have done more, when I was bigger.  I remember being in Florida and passing up on parasailing because they needed to know my weight so they could radio the boat.  Ummm....thanks but not thanks! I loko back now and realize I shouldn't have cared.  It is not like I would ever see those people again!

 I want anyone that reads this and is battling their weight, to LIVE!  Enjoy every second of your life.  Enjoy the entire process.  Other than that, like I said, all the hell I went through, made me who I am today...so I wouldn't change a thing.  My husband always tells me, "honey it is a way bigger accomplishment to have your body at 41, than at 21".  I will take that!  :)