Well today was one of those days, I just loathe! I woke up feeling all bloated and just plain icky! It was humid in the house, (I am too cheap to turn the air on....yet). So I feel like my thighs are the size they were 20 years ago. My hair was just NOT cooperating and I couldn't find jack sh*t to wear! And yes, I know, I have a closet FULL of clothes! But things from last summer, just don't fit. And as my husband reminded me, that is a good thing. Well yeah, because they are in fact baggy, BUT....how much more freaking money do I have to spend on clothes. Some of you are probably going, "umm...is she bitching about having to get new clothes"? Why yes, I am! See I told you, it is that kind of day! I must have tried on a gazillion different options this morning, and I HATED them all. I ended up in a shirt that is ill fitting and cropped jeans that make me look like I have a flat ass! At one point, I was carrying on a not so nice conversation with myself, in the closet. Oh Lord if anyone heard me, they would have had me committed ASAP! I am just pissy, period! So here I thought, I was ok, in a plaid shirt with my jeans. Yeah, until I looked in the mirror. When I took a look, I immediately started to sing, "Green acres is the place for me. Farm livin' is the life for me. Land spreadin' out so far and wide Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside". Are you all singing it now???? AND THEN...I start bitching to Ray about how I am just crabby and to please just let me BE crabby. So......he proceeds to tell me I look hot. UMMM...WHAT?!?!?! And here was my response...it's a long one! "Are you kidding me, I look like a f*cking farmer, and you think I am hot. This week I have looked kinda hot when I was dressed up and you didn't say a word. But when I dress like Elle May, you think I am hot"??? He said, "yes, honey, I like to tell you, when you least expect it, because you always look hot". Ok points for hubby, but I am not buying that line of BULL, he is sellin! But I love him anyway. So at this point, I go BACK upstairs and change again. My plaid shirt was just too baggy and made me look sloppy. I chose a more fitted button up that is pink. For some reason, pink just makes me happy. Oh and I paired it with my new flippy floppies from J Crew that I got for Mommy Day. I will say, I am still freaking crabby, and I look forward to 5:00. Only because I am gonna sweat off some of this water retention and gain in back in beer!
You know as I stood there in the mirror, I saw the old me. It wasn't a good feeling. I have come WAY too far, to let that negative thinking come back into my life. At least now I recognize it. I know that I did not gain 50 pounds overnight. At least today, I was pissed that clothes were too big, instead of too tight. God I remember those days of just standing in the closet crying, because nothing fit. I remember just being so defeated. I think today proved that no matter what, I am still going to have days, when I am not happy with how I feel or how I look. The big difference is, I am able to get over it. I refuse to let this set me back. As I type this post, I already feel better. I think blogging can be so therapeutic. Maybe because I know a lot of the readers have walked in my shoes. They are reading this and shaking their heads going, "yep, I know exactly what she is talking about". I never used to have that before. I was surrounded by all kinds of wonderful friends and family, but none of them had ever been through a struggle with their weight or body image. So unless you have truly been through it, you don't quite get it. I mean I know everyone has days when they can't find jack shit to wear and they feel fat. But it's just not quite the same. When someone who has struggled with their weight has these kind of days, it brings back so many different emotions. Like I sat there and thought, "OMG what did I eat that made me gain this weight". OK WHOA LORI!!!! I had to check my shit right there! I KNOW better than this. But see, when you live your life for so long, with that unhealthy mindset, its inevitable, that those kind of thoughts, find their way back, to your newly "healthy brain". You just gotta tell them to go take a long walk off a short plank! :-)
Thank you for letting me bitch!!! Especially about something that I know is just stupid. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! It is going to be in the 80's and sunny here! I hope to spend the majority of the weekend outside!!