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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

If I knew then...what I know now. OH LORD! :)

Happy Hump Day!!  Well today I am going to touch on hindsight is 20/20.  Good GOD, is it EVER!!! are a few things, I would have done differently!

If I would have known that starting to color my hair in sixth grade...with Sun-In and over the counter shit, would break my hair off, I WOULD HAVE WAITED! Nothing like having orange hair that is supa dupa crisp! AS IF!

If I knew that when I was doing the obstacle course in sixth grade, I would get caught up in the netting and be made fun of, by kid's PARENTS, I would have skipped the whole damn thing and took the F! A-HOLES!

Had I known that I could actually run a mile in 9 minutes, I sure as hell wouldn't have walked the ENTIRE thing during the stoooopid President's Physical Fitness Test, in grade school and high school. 

And let's not forget that time in high school when I went to karate kick this guy I liked (because I thought that would make him like me?????) and I didn't realize I had started my period!!  Oh yes, Aunt Flo was in FULL effect!  Not only would I not have karate kicked his ass, I NEVER would have liked him.  OMG he turned out to be the BIGGEST tool!

Now if I would have known that kissing some "too cool for school" dude named Ray, in a bar parking lot, 18 years ago, would eventually turn into me marrying the man of my dreams....I never would have married husband #1 and #2! Oh yes, I am on my third marriage.  BUT....IT. IS. MY. LAST.

Had I known that my bitch of a boss wouldn't have cared if I asked her BFF Jamie Gertz (yes the super awesome actress! and yes, this dates my ass) for her autograph, By God I would have!  And I just might have asked her to be my pen pal. :)  Oh and this was when I was a nanny and my boss was worse than a bitch...just sayin.

If I had known that when my first nanny boss said, "the job will require light housekeeping" that I would end up being ALICE, from the Brady Bunch, I would have passed on the $11k a year job where the house had no AC! 

Had I known that when some dork in NYC asked me if I was Lebanese, he really meant was I a lesbian, I would have said, "yep, and I am really a man"! You know just for shock factor. :) Instead.... the dumb ass that I am, said, in my sweet Midwestern voice, "no I am Scottish Irish".  Umm...they both laughed at me at waved their hands at me in this whole, "God, you are so stupid, blondie"!

Had I know that sometimes... when you THINK you are going to pass gas, that you just might let something else out, like say a "shart" I would not have done this with no undies on and loose pj pants.  Yep, I just went there!! TMI-GROSS LORI!

Had I known that I could "Pump" and load the dishwasher at the same time, I wouldn't have been so apprehensive about breastfeeding.  I also learned I could actually go potty with a child attached to my teet!

If I knew now that tossing a frozen pork chop at my hubby, when I was mad at him, would be the one thing that changed our marriage for the better....I would have thrown a whole pig at him, 2 years prior!

Had I known that starting an IG account would lead to this blog and over 2000 amazing followers, I now call friends, I would have started it sooner! :)

To sum it up, I wouldn't want to change a thing about my life, really.  BUT....I would "tweek" it a bit! 




  1. This was hilarious! And I love Jaime Gertz! I would have skipped the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and stuck with contacts. If only you could go back. :)

  2. So freaking funny!!! The things women learn to do with a kid attached to our tata's...So happy I met you through all of this social media craziness. I'm pretty amazed how many kick ass women I have found through IG and blogging.

  3. You are killing me! The sun-in was the worse idea eva!

  4. I LOVE her! *Star* from Lost Boys! Woop woop! oh btw #widn? READING YOUR POST! Love ya girlie!

  5. We get where we are because of where we've been! Love reading your blog...just sayin'!

  6. You are amazing. This made me smile on a rainy, dreary morning in WI. So happy to have found you in IG and blogland. :)

  7. I love Jamie Gertz!!! I would love to throw a pork chop at people sometimes....