Today I posted a pic on Instagram that was from my first (remember there are 3) wedding. When I came across this pic, it brought back so many emotions. I cannot believe how far I have come in 23 years. I married one of the most evil men, I have ever come across. My dad describes him best, "honey he cannot even be called an asshole, because an asshole has a function. Yep, he was THAT awful. He was not only verbally abusive, he was physically abusive as well. I even have a lovely scar on my arm to remind me of that time. I remember sitting at the end of the couch and he kicked me as hard as he could, with his boot. I should have had stitches, but I hid it from my family. I remember the night before the wedding, my sister begged me not to go through with it. She knew I was making the worst mistake of my life. In fact, marrying him, put such a strain on my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for over 2 years. I let this man, take away every ounce of pride I had. Thankfully, I got it all back and then some. We were married about 6 months and living with my parents, when he just took off. Then one day, the doorbell rings and I am being served with divorce papers. My mom called my sister and she ran over, crying and hugged me. Partly because she saw me hurting so badly, but also because she had her sister back. From that moment on, I never looked back. I might have wavered a bit and wished he would come back to me. BUT....after lots of long talks with the man above, I got the strength to move on. I started back at college, lost weight, got healthy inside and out. I was also lucky enough to get reacquainted with everyone I cut out of my life. Not because I wanted to, but pretty much because I had to. This monster didn't WANT me, but he sure as shit didn't want anyone else to have me. OR...to know the evil that was taking place behind closed doors. I will never forget being in Florida with my family and confessing to my mom, that one time, my ex took me out to the country and left me. Yep, he kicked me out of the car. He let me wonder around for almost 2 hours, before he came back to get me. She was so sad. Not only because I went through that, but also because I was so ashamed to tell her or anyone, back then.
I look back and wonder why I allowed myself to be treated like this. Part of me thinks it stems from being made fun of so much, I just figured this was the best I could get. BUT....NO ONE, deserves that. WE ALL DESERVE love and respect. We all deserve to be surrounded by people that will lift us up, not tear us down.
I am so thankful that I was able to pick myself up off the ground and get to where I am today. I am a better person for it. I am a fighter. Giving up on your dreams should not be an option. Had I given up on my dream of one day being fit and healthy, where would I be????? AND...I never let the doubters, get too far inside me head. I won't lie, they were there and they tempted me to just give up. But I won in the end. I had my family and my faith, to get me through it all.
So when you are having a bad day or week or even a bad year, remember, hard work and determination will pay off. It won't happen over night and it might take 20 years, but it will be so worth it. I can honestly say I love me. I love my life. It's truly a simple life. We don't have a lot of money, or drive fancy cars, but we are happy. We made our small house, a home. We do the best with what we have. And we try so very hard to enjoy each day to the fullest. And that might be spending the entire weekend in our jammies. :)
My grandma always said this one thing that has been so true, my whole life. "Lori Ann, it's always darkest before the dawn". Now that sweet angel is watching over me and making sure, I never forget it. So remember, just when you think it can't get any worse, it might, but....IT WILL GET BETTER, BETTER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!